A greasy mess

November 19, 2011 at 17:50 | Posted in FAIL | 4 Comments

I ordered a pizza. Bad call.

Since I live in the tundra there are very few food delivery options (Chinese and Pizza) and I didn’t want to cook. And I was out of microwave meals. And I felt sick. And lazy.

In order to maintain my hate/hate relationship with the phone, I ordered online. About 45 minutes later, my pizza was here.

Ham, pineapple and tomatoes. Yum!


I turned against pizza at some point. It used to be yummy and tasty, but now it’s greasy, carb loaded, sugary and sprinkled with pestilence.

Well not pestilence.

Grease oozes from the melted processed cheese, low quality sauce lays upon an average crust and it’s usually undercooked.

Why did I waste my money?

Does anyone else just despise pizza but still ingest it? Is it a habit?

It always seems like a good idea. But I don’t like it. I think I do, but I don’t.

Ne’er shall I bake it.


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Crust 3.14

November 17, 2011 at 09:35 | Posted in Desserts, Pies | Leave a comment

Truth be known I tend to buy my pie crusts since this is kind of involved, but it does work. This entry is also brought to you entirely via the WordPress app. We’ll see how that goes.

Delicate, flaky, flavorful pie crust. One that is intact enough to support and hug its filling, but light enough dissolve when eaten.



Soggy, tough, doughy, and ick pie crust.

Not noms.

With a bit of practice, and a bit of knowledge, most people can achieve a good pie crust. Not all people, but most.

The enemy of a perfect crust is gluten, aided and abetted by it’s sidekick water. Gluten is found in wheat and other grains, and it is formed when the flour is mixed with water. Gluten formation with bread is a good thing. With pie crust, not so good. Water makes it possible for gluten to exist, much like without the Joker there would be no Batman.

Were Batman a chemical reaction some are allergic to.

The friends of a perfect crust are vodka and lard or vegetable shortening.

I prefer shortening because I have a thing with the term lard.

I know that combining vodka and shortening sounds like a hazing ritual for a fraternity, but trust me, they are key to preventing the formation of gluten and making sure your pie crust is a delicious piece of Gotham City. Or Heaven.


Some science:
Vodka, a liquid, and depending on your brand, tends to be about 60% water and 40% alcohol. The moisture of the water and alcohol together make the dough workable, but the alcohol boils off in the baking process, stopping the formation of gluten, and allowing your crust to be the best it’s ever been. It turns out that having liquor on hand while cooking is not just to mix it at Thanksgiving.

Who knew?

Experiment with flavored vodkas. Making a Lemon Pie? Use Lemon vodka. Making a Chicken Pot Pie? Peppar or Ginger could be the way to go.

This advice coming from a self-proclaimed terrible baker may not be what you call “credible” but it’s a well-known secret. If that’s possible.

Sauces Under Sixty Seconds – Put to use.

September 29, 2011 at 20:21 | Posted in Main dishes, Sides | 1 Comment
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Roma tomato slices, red, white, and purple grapes, spring mix, parmesan, and homemade balsamic vinaigrette.

Enjoying something beautiful for dinner doesn’t have to happen only at restaurants! This salad took 5 minutes total to prepare and uses the vinaigrette I made about a week ago.

Tomato Power

September 15, 2011 at 15:52 | Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments
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Who needs this many tomato slices?



Pancakes I aspire to

September 8, 2011 at 00:03 | Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments
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Photo from Bongo Room, Chicago, IL.
Pretzel pancakes under white chocolate syrup with caramel drizzle.

My iPhone likes to correct basic HTML by capitalizing and trying to make words out of code. My iPhone thinks it is smarter than I am. I believe my iPhone is wrong.

It’s a wonderful wednesday. In the coming weeks I will blog and blog again. I will regale readers with tales of triumph and of failure from the kitchen at Little House on the Tundra. I hope.

First, I am a beginner baker, a salted chef, and an assimilated Alaskan. As the weather turns cold I will attempt the comfort foods of the season or whatever I’m in the mood for. Whether Salmon en croute, lemon scones or my famous baked potato and diet coke–I’ll tell you thoroughly and simply how to make it.

Second, I currently live alone. Cooking for one is tough, but I hope to find some solutions to this ancient problem. That said I want to be clear when I say, baking for one is impossible. There’s no such thing.

Finally, this is for a grade thanks to UAF. Quality counts.

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